34 Weeks

34 Weeks

We’re in the homestretch! Ish. Or so I like to think haha.

Tonight will also be our 3rd Lamaze class, so after its completion, we should be 3/4 ready for childbirth. Woohoo!

How am I feeling?

I honestly think last week may have been one of the toughest weeks of pregnancy with my acid reflux problems. I don’t know if I have been more miserable than I was last Wednesday and Thursday. But praise God, the reflux issues started dying down Thursday night and I honestly felt pretty great the whole weekend! I keep telling Kenny I will NEVER complain ever again about GERD/acid reflux once the baby’s out haha. What I had before was NOTHING compared to pregnancy reflux.

Other than that I’ve been feeling pretty darn good! I haven’t been waking up nearly as much and I realized too that I haven’t had leg cramps at night in ages. Thankful for sleep and trying to cash in as much as possible pre-baby.

I am also super excited to be ending work soon! Next Friday will be my last day and I can’t wait. So honestly, most of the time I feel like I could definitely work several more weeks and financially it might make more sense, but then I’ll make a bunch of dumb mistakes or forget what I’m doing or become overwhelmed by things that aren’t that overwhelming at all… and then I’m grateful that I can take a bit of time off and I think it really will be better for work this way. (Plus our nursery is still a mess so that will be my pre-baby project!) I talked about it with my boss during my review, but I just don’t feel like I handle stress very well anymore. I used to love fires and crave the variety, but since being pregnant, I get flustered much more easily and can’t deal with the crazy anymore. I’ve even noticed that lately I can’t handle the stress of being late (which is actually probably a good thing haha). In Steph’s words from when she visited last weekend, “Who are you!?!?”

Lastly, of course, I am very excited for the baby. I can’t wait to meet our little miss! I keep wondering who she’s going to look like, what her personality will be, where her interests will lie. This weekend when we visited All People’s Church in SD (it was BOMB btw), I noticed that the drummer was female and I added “worship team drummer” to the list of aspirations I have for our little one haha. Other aspirations include evangelist, prayer warrior, and of course, due to Daddy, baller. (We said hopefully she’ll get his offense and my defense. Oh and same goes for academics: my English, his math!)

Other Updates

Spent the weekend in SD for Annie & Emerson’s wedding, VDay, and our Babymoon!

The wedding was fun and it was so neat to see the Kairos building and how far the church has come. Spent a lot of time catching up with old friends and reliving the college days. As much as I loved college, it’s funny to realize now that I really would never go back. Definitely one of my favorite times in life, but maybe, just maybe, as Steph keeps asserting that really wasn’t the peak of my life and things really are going to continue getting better ;)

 

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Didn’t get a picture with the couple unfortunately, but here’s one with my hot date!

 

On Sunday, we visited All People’s Church. It was an awesome time of refreshing through the amazing worship and Word. The pastor talked about what it looks like when the Spirit moves in the church and it definitely made us think about what it means to be a part of a Spirit-filled community.

After service, we hit up Lolita’s in Gaslamp and I got my pollo fries fix and you bet I was thankful that my AR had died down! Found some acai bowls for dessert and the kind worker gave us two bowls probably after seeing my preggo belly!

 

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Someone was happy…
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Ugh. To die for!

 

Took a nice long nap, then K got to watch the first part of Kobe’s last All-Star game. So yes, a big part of our Babymoon was watching TV and sleeping, but I figured hey, it’s Kenny’s Babymoon too and it would not be a true Kenny weekend if it didn’t include those two things!

For VDay dinner, we walked to Ocean Pacific Grille and had private patio seating (yay for late reservations!) which was actually quite lovely and then we roamed around the Gaslamp a bit more looking for dessert (ended up being gelato and crepes!).

 

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VDay Dinner

 

We were both proud of ourselves for doing so much walking and said one way to make the Yee’s walk is by the prospect of having to pay for parking and appealing to our Chinese-ness!

Monday morning we both were in and out of sleep through 11:30 (I love it!!) and we ended the weekend with a hefty Broken Yolk brunch. I had an omelet and pancake… both the size of my face.

So thankful to spend a relaxing weekend with the husband. I am so grateful to have him as a companion and truly can’t imagine doing life with anyone else. He is kind, thoughtful, passionate, and a joy to be around. I appreciate that we can have deep conversations about the things we care about (Jesus, etc.), but that we also spend so much time having fun/joking around/laughing. Marriage is an incredible blessing. And though I know it will at times be tough and we don’t know the future will bring, I feel secure knowing that my husband is a man who pursues the Lord in all he does, and that ultimately God holds whatever is ahead for our family.

 

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Beautiful SD! Thanks to Mama Yee for use of the timeshare!

 

What is God saying?

I feel like God is saying, “trust me.” That’s it. “Trust me.”

Reading Revelation this past year really has been no joke and it’s truly been tough to comprehend and read. Reading has stirred up the age old question of how could a loving God punish people? How do we reconcile the God of judgment with the God of grace and love?

It truly is difficult and I’ve been realizing more and more how essential it is to have faith. Though we can find answers to some of our questions, there will never be answers to all of them, and therefore, it is essential if we are to remain believers to have faith. Not sure if it’s true or not, but at least at this point in my life, I feel like there will always be some room for doubt, so faith is choosing to take the leap and believe.

In faith, I choose to trust God even when I don’t understand completely. In faith, I choose to take Him at His Word when He says He does not wish for any to perish. In faith, I choose that even when it seems unfair to me, sin truly does need to be punished and that God allows people to eventually have what they truly desire if they choose to reject Him: an eternity without Him.

It still seems unfair. It still is hard to believe. But what Duhee said last night in lecture did help. He said the only person who has the right to call God unfair is Jesus. And what did He say when faced with the greatest injustice of all time? “Not my will, but Yours be done.” And He unjustly took the full cup of wrath on the cross so that we who believe could be spared the very same thing.

God does love people. He does show extravagant grace. He does wish that all would be saved. But as with many things in our faith, salvation must be done on His terms. His way is most holy and His way is most loving. Sin must be punished. Evil must be dealt with.

Another thing that helped me is when Duhee said hell was created for Satan and his demons. Hell was not created for people. People were created to be with God and in His presence. Yet, in our sin, we chose a different way. And God still lets people choose a different way. He allows us to choose a life without Him and eventually an eternity of the same. And if we do not choose eternity with Him, then the alternative is an eternity separate from Him, which is hell.

So again, it’s not easy to comprehend, and it’s not easy to imagine, but the God of judgment and the God of love are one in the same. God’s characteristics do not contradict each other, instead they somehow go together in a way that is too difficult and perhaps even too wonderful for me to comprehend.

At this point, though I’ll continue to study and seek understanding, I think there still is something to just having faith in the end. It seems so textbook, simple, elementary, a cop-out even. But I’m led again to the place of realizing that faith is so necessary, so essential. So here I am, choosing to have faith in Him.

And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him.

Hebrews 11:6

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32 Weeks

32 Weeks

32 weeks! Lord willing only 8 more ish to go :)

How am I feeling?

Not bad! About the same as before. I’ve been having a lot of trouble not eating everything in sight lately haha. And I often find myself going out of my way to pick up chocolate/candy. I think this has been contributing to my acid reflux, which has flared up lately and has also been causing me to feel nauseous. Some nights actually remind me of nausea in the first tri. Bleh.

But! I continue to be really excited about Baby Yee. She continues to be really active and often makes her presence known by moving my shirt/entire belly and especially loves wiggling around at night when I’m about to sleep. I’ve been noticing hiccups more frequently too!! So ridiculously cute (again, as mentioned in my last weekly update, I know I’m delusional)!

Other Updates

Kenny had his “Gab Talk” today where he spoke to an auditorium of students at lunch about “the power of me.” I’m so proud of my husband and that he took the opportunity to share about Jesus and how there’s no point in “the power of me” if we use our lives/talents to live for ourselves. The most fulfilling identity we can have is the one God wants for us: an identity where we use “the power of me” on loving those around us unconditionally.

Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.

John 15:13

So proud of my husband!

Also, our dear Roots youth group threw us our first baby shower last Friday night!! It was a surprise… for Kenny. Hahaha. But really it was still a shock when we walked in the room to a mass of PINK! We played several games, but I must say it was most fun trying to match the kids with their baby pictures. So sweet to see them as babies.

On that note, it’s been such a blessing to serve our youth kids. It’s been so long since I’ve served in this type of capacity and as much as it’s sometimes hard to get motivated after work on a Friday, I’ve been pleasantly surprised with how enjoyable youth group is (though yes, there are occasions where I have an off night). So thankful that God lets us partner with Him in ministry!

What is God saying?

Hrm… good question. Honestly, it’s been tough doing devo’s and spending time with Him lately. We’ve been reading Revelation 13 for BSF this week and it’s been a struggle. Yes the content is hard, and yes my tendency is to lose fervor and be lazy, but I’m wondering too if part of it is spiritual opposition?

There’s definitely an element of Satan not wanting us to be in the Word/read/spend time with God ESPECIALLY when it comes to things like Revelation 13. We truly are in a spiritual battle, and Satan’s desire is first of course for no one to believe in Jesus, but for those of us who do, his second desire is for us to be ineffective and sidelined… which unfortunately probably describes the majority of us the majority of the time.

Do we realize that we’re in a spiritual battle? Do we understand that everything we do, everything that happens has a spiritual implication as Pastor Jason would always say? Are we engaged in the battle or are we sitting on the sidelines, not aware of the battle or worse not even caring?

Food for thought as we hurdle toward the end of this age…

Week 24 + Lazarus & The Rich Man

Week 24 + Lazarus & The Rich Man

So I realized my last pregnancy update post was actually on the first day of week 24, and not the last day of week 23 as I had thought. Whoops!

Anyway today is truly the last day of week 24. Can’t believe it. Only ~3.5 months left!!! Definitely getting nervous as it seems like we have done so little for the baby.

Thankful for my co-worker who encouraged me to not stress. She said once the baby comes you figure it out and all a baby really needs is you (aka FOOD), clothes, tons of diapers, and a place to sleep. All the other stuff is nice, but not necessary!

In other updates, I forgot to mention last week that I got the mom cut! Early, I know, and I really wanted to hold out until we had the baby, but I think I just had it with all the static and the tangles and the blahness of my old hair and I went for my first major chop in years!

The second the hairdresser made the first cut, I regretted it and was having terrible flashbacks of junior year, but when she finally finished I was shocked… I actually LOVED it (and still do)! I feel very TSwift… whatever that means haha.

Also worth mentioning is that I had my monthly check-up yesterday and babyee is 1 pound, 7 ounces! Growth is on target PTL!!! It’s funny because the ultrasound wasn’t as exciting this time as the baby is SO BIG and it’s actually really hard to see much anything. (In prior months, the baby was smaller and her entirety could be captured on screen. Yesterday, we could only looks at pieces of her: her head, stomach, leg. Still fun, but not as captivating as seeing the entire form of a tiny human on screen!)

How do I feel?

Only a few weeks away from 3rd tri and starting to feel the tiredness return as I was forewarned. I keep waking up at night due to leg cramps (time to order compression socks says the doc!), having to pee, or just being straight up uncomfortable.

On that note, I’m pretty apparently showing now (probably have been for the last couple weeks)! Looking forward to the special pregnant woman treatment everyone says you get once you’re obviously preggo. Not looking forward to the unsolicited advice part though haha.

What is God saying?

In BSF this week, we studied Revelation 6: the opening of the seals and 4 horsemen.

Honestly all the judgment and gloom and doom is very unsettling, but what struck me the most was when we were directed to the passage in the Gospels about Lazarus and the rich man, a depiction of heaven vs. hell.

I’ve been thinking about this for a while, but the specific passage drove the point home. At the end of their lives, what will the people who do not know Jesus think? As they see Him face-to-face and realize just how real He is, what would they say to me?

Would they thank me for not sharing with them, for respecting their personal boundaries and beliefs? For respecting them as parents, and not proselytizing their children? Would they thank me for not making them uncomfortable, holding back, and not offending them with my Jesus beliefs?

In Luke 16:27, the rich main cries out:

“Then I beg you, father, to send him to my father’s house– for I have five brothers– so that he may warn them, lest they also come to this place of torment.”

Honestly reading this is terrifying. How could I not be filled with urgency and compelled to share about Jesus with those who do not know Him while on this earth they still have time to repent and believe!?

If my heart remains stagnant and lazy, not compelled to share and to preach, what does this mean? It means any of the following or maybe a combination of all 3:

  1. I don’t really believe in God is real, for if He is not real, then there is no reason to share.
  2. Maybe I do believe He’s real, but I don’t take Him at His Word and believe what He says that all who do not accept Him on this earth will be eternally separated from Him in hell for their unbelief.
  3. If the first two don’t apply to me, then maybe I really just don’t care about the destiny of those who do not believe. Or maybe I do care a little bit, but not enough to risk the possibility of offense or others looking down on me.

In my heart, I must confess that my lack of desire to share is probably due to parts of all 3.

  1. There are still parts of me that struggle from time to time with doubt. Is God real? Is He!? It’s so hard for me sometimes to believe. Thankfully, as I’ve been turning my doubts over to Him more and more, I really do feel He has been giving me more and more faith to believe. Faith is a gift, and you sure bet I’m asking for it! I want to be like Tim Keller (I believe– I wish I could find the link, but I can’t seem to right now), who in the Veritas forum was able to say that he 100% believes in God. 100%! Zero doubt at all. I was blown away that he could be so assured. I want to have 100% faith to believe!!!
  2. I also struggle with really taking God at His Word on this one. Would He/will He really punish in hell those who don’t believe? It’s the good people argument. When I think of friends and family who don’t believe, they’re not perfect, but they’re also not the incarnation of evil! Do I really believe His Word that says even one offense is offense enough to be eternally separated from Him forever? How much do I take God at His Word on this? How much do I believe?
  3. And at the end of the day, I am selfish. I am selfish in my belief. I’m scared to risk relationships, risk my reputation, by being a “Jesus Freak” (90’s throwback, holla!). I’d rather stay comfortable, not cause conflict, nor dissonance. I want to be a good friend/family member who doesn’t offend and is respectful and PC.

If I do not have urgency to share, when will I ever? When someone I love dies who doesn’t believe? Will I then be so guilt-ridden that I am finally compelled to share with others?

I hope I don’t wait that long.

And yes, there is the idea too that the Gospel is shown by our actions, how we live our lives, which indeed it is. But at the same time, there needs to be times and places where we share with words, where we convey the truth. There needs to be boldness in our walks. There needs to be a willingness to speak the truth in love, not just cop out and say “well, I don’t need to speak it because I’m already showing it.” I don’t want people to think I’m just a nice person (though in my flesh I do). If I’m compelled by the Gospel, I want people to think I’m a nice person… but only because of Jesus!!!

I’ve always struggled with people-pleasing. I’ve always struggled with a lack of boldness. I’ve always struggled with a lack of urgency to share. Jesus, convict me and change me, give me Your eagerness and Your urgency to share Your love and Gospel truth with family, friends, and a world in need. Help me. Help me to believe and act on that belief!!!

Then He said to His disciples, “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into His harvest.”

Matthew 9:37-38

Jesus, send laborers into the harvest. Jesus, make ME a laborer. Jesus, send me.

Week 17

Week 17

Last day of week 17!

How do I feel?

Finally got to share with our Nor Cal friends this weekend. I’ve been waiting so long!! It did make me pretty sad though. Why do so many of my close friends friends live so far away!??!?

Unfortunately the weekend was interrupted by another bout of food poisoning? Stomach virus? I’m definitely more susceptible to these things in pregnancy. This was BY FAR the most unpleasant instance, but PTL I’m feeling almost back to normal today! And what better way to celebrate than with Kenny’s Ping Pong Club fundraiser at Dog Haus tonight!? Haha. Yeah… we’ll see how that goes.

Other than that, I also had possibly the strongest craving yet today. As I was driving I felt this almost irresistible urge to swing by Jack in the Box for some chicken tenders. I kept arguing with myself that I couldn’t put such nastiness in my body, but at the same time I knew that if there so happened to be a Jack in the Box on my route I would not be able to resist pulling over. Thankfully, no Jack in the Box was encountered, but since people frequently ask about cravings, I would have to say that’s been the worst one so far. (Luckily my McDonald’s obsession is dying down, but I’m still on my Snickers, lemonade, and macaron fixation… which could really just be a pre-pregnancy remnant tbh!)

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Brb. Drooling on the screen…

Lastly, I think I felt the baby kick/poke/jab me for the first time today as I was getting out of the car after the insane Jack in the Box craving!! It felt like a tiny jab in my lower left abdomen. I paused. 2 more jabs. Now I can’t say if it was truly the baby for certain, but I was oh so ecstatic!!!! Can’t wait for our little one to be here!!! :)

What is God saying?

Loving that BSF is back in the swing of things. It’s been an exciting year thus far!

I think one of the main things God has been speaking both this week and last is the idea of returning to my first love. The message to the church of Ephesus was especially pertinent. They loved theology and knowledge, but they had lost their first love, the relational aspect of Christianity, the person of Jesus. And without that love, that relationship, their faith was worth nothing.

Revelation 2:4

“But I have this against you, that you have left your first love.”

As group members shared last week, I could feel the Lord convicting my heart as I slowly realized I’ve been turning into a checklist Christian! I have pretty much NEVER been disciplined enough for a long enough time to be one before haha. But recently by God’s grace He’s been helping me sustain a more disciplined spiritual life and it’s great that my walk now has more consistency to it, but now there really is that temptation to just check off boxes and not go any further with the Lord and just think “yeah, Jesus and me, we’re good today!” without ever really fully checking in with Him.

And no the answer is not to give up the discipline!! I still remember a speaker saying that a long time ago that if she didn’t feel like reading the Bible/praying/worshipping, she just wouldn’t… but oh how I disagree with that now! Why? Because I know myself and my tendency is to operate in the flesh, and therefore I almost always don’t “feel” like doing these things at first.

So is the answer then to try harder?? No. The answer is not to strive in the flesh when we were begun by the Spirit! But after realizing the struggle, this seems to be my default. “Well, I just need to force myself to connect with Jesus more, schedule it into the day’s routine!” Relationships cannot be manufactured. Yes, I can put myself in places where my heart will be stirred up for Jesus, but no the answer is not to brute force it in hopes that the passion and heart will be there.

So what is the solution then?

Revelation 2:5

“Therefore remember from where you have fallen, and repent and do the deeds you did at first; or else I am coming to you and will remove your lampstand out of its place—unless you repent.”

The answer prescribed to the church of Ephesus was to remember and repent. Remember the love they/I had at first. Remember His goodness to me. Remember how He’s loved me over the years and the sweet times of genuine fellowship we have shared. And repent. Confess my weakness to Him and ask Him to help me. Ask Him to give me grace to fall in love with Him more.

What’s scary to also think about is that we can forsake Jesus as our first love by loving other aspects of Christianity more. Like the Ephesians, we can forsake Him by loving doctrine and theology more. We can forsake Him by loving worship and the pursuit of music more. We can forsake Him by loving the practice of His gifts, like prophesy and tongues more. We can forsake Him by loving our ministries and serving more. We can forsake Him by loving how He makes us feel more.

Do we love our gifts? Or do we love Him? Do we focus our time and energy on our gifts? Or is our time and energy focused on Him? Do we strive and serve out of the flesh and serve for the sake of serving? Or do we serve whole-heartedly and joyfully because it gives us the opportunity to better know Him?

Purify my love, Lord Jesus! Purify my serving! Purify my spiritual disciplines! Give me grace to know and love You more. Help my love to never grow stale. And thank You for Your grace: that a smoldering wick You will not snuff out, a bruised reed You will not break. Take the little I have to offer and multiply it, make it MORE. I want to know You more, love You more. Help me return to my first love and treasure You, realizing that You are EVERYTHING. I repent. Help me!!!