14 Months of Miss Evangeline

14 Months of Miss Evangeline

Soo I wrote TWO posts about Eva specifically in the past 14 months lol. I’m sad but definitely not surprised haha. Oh and I missed making a milestone post for her 1st birthday. #momfail

So I’ll write a little about Miss Eva right now.

How can words capture how I feel about Miss Evangeline? To say I love her soooooo much sells the feeling so short.

Evangeline fills my heart with so much joy. Kenny and I think she is just the cutest thing ever and so incredibly beyond wonderful. It’s impossible to be objective when it comes to Evangeline. Yes, she has her moments, but even in her moments, even when she frustrates me to no end, there is this undercurrent of love and joy. I’m sure it won’t always be this way (imagine the teenage years!), but when Eva is disobedient, often I’m holding back a smirk or a burst of laughter.

Eva is a rascal, yes, truly the daughter of a little rascal! She loves to tease people (especially her daddy). She loves to flash her cheesy, toothy grin, scrunching up her little eyes into half moons. She loves yapping away and is sooooo talkative! But sometimes she can also be pretty serious. In new situations she often becomes very quiet, just observing and taking everything in. I’m still thinking she might be an introvert who also loves people, but we’ll see how things continue developing. It could also be that she’s an extrovert, but she’s just a little cautious and shy.

Eva looooves to eat. Oh man does she love her carbohydrates. She eats pretty much everything, though she’ll get randomly picky from time-to-time. Food definitely brings this girl joy. We’re blessed that she eats well and there have been no problems since maybe around her 9-month mark in getting her to eat.

Eva loves to play. She continues to take the cake as most active baby on Kenny’s side of the family. She gets into everything. She’s constantly moving, climbing, crawling, adventuring. When she’s excited she flaps her limbs vigorously. She loves shaking her head no while flashing her big grin. When she sees someone she’s excited about, she’ll let out an excited scream. She looooves going over to the Yuen’s to play while Kenny and me go to youth group. The other babies will eventually go to sleep, but she usually stays up the whole night with Uncle Bosco and Auntie Christine so she can play.

Eva loves books. Her favorite book is called “Babies and Doggies,” but she also really loves her “Jesus Storybook Bible.” She loves tearing pages out of it and I just talked to her today about how I love the fact that she loves her Bible, but I want her to grow in her respect for it (meaning, stop pulling out the pages, girlfriend!). I love that she loves to read. And yes, it’s also super nice that she can sit for a good while now looking at her stacks of books so I can do things like use the restroom, get in a little work from home, or eat.

There is soooo much more I could write about Eva! She’s growing her molars. She jumped from 1%tile in weight to 11th (again, homegirl LOVES eating). She loves music and will dance and nod her head to it. She loves when Daddy plays worship songs and will shake her baby percussion instruments. Her favorite stuffed animal is Bob the Monkey. She loves her pacifier animals Sophie and Ella. She cries when I leave her places now, but people say it’s only to make me feel guilty because as soon as I’m out of sight she’ll stop crying. She loves going on walks and will point at everything and do a ton of talking. She’s not the greatest napper, but PTL she’ll sleep from 7:30pm-8:30am if we get her down in time.

There is soooo much joy in being a mommy to Miss Eva!! Yes there are hard times. In the moment it’s sometimes easy to lose perspective or get frustrated, but this has been a season of such overwhelming joy.

My hope and prayer for Miss Eva is that she walks with Jesus every day of her life. We are praying BIG prayers for her. We are praying that she will be a missionary. We are praying that she would count her life as loss. We pray that she will live in light of the End Times. We pray that she would run hard after Jesus every day of her life. We pray that she would be BOLD and stand strong for Jesus in a world that is becoming more and more hostile toward His Word and His calling. And I’m realizing again and again that if I want these things for my baby girl, I personally need to be living out these things.

I’ll end with the life verse we used for Eva’s Baby Dedication:

Nevertheless I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand.
With Your counsel You will guide me, And afterward receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but YouAnd besides You, I desire nothing on earth.
My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Psalm 73:23-26

Happy 4 Months, Miss Eva!

Happy 4 Months, Miss Eva!

It’s been 4 months with Miss Eva and I can’t believe it’s been that long, but at the same time it feels much much longer (in the best way possible!). I am sooooo in love with our little girl and can’t imagine life without her!! Sure, we would be better rested, have more free time, and far better mobility, but the trading those things to have her in our lives is so incredibly worth it!

Cute story: last night I was telling one of the newer youth group girls how to become a child of God per our 1 John 3 Bible Study (pretty serious convo) and I ask her, “do you want to receive Jesus tonight?” Cue a long pause as I can see her internally wrestling and debating. I take a quick glance down to a sleeping (or so I thought Eva). And BAM. Staring back at me are the two big beady eyes accompanied by the biggest sweetest toothless baby smile I’ve ever seen and I can’t help but crack up wondering how long she’s been staring at me for. Just one of those precious baby moments that I want to hold onto and treasure forever as I’m realizing now that as everyone says, “they grow up too fast.”

(Side note: Youth group girl decided not to accept Jesus last night, but said she is almost there! Will be praying!!!)

So… the past month. Wow it’s flown by! I’m back at work now 2 days a week through the end of July. It’s been nice easing in and hasn’t been torture quite yet. (Though I think it will be when/if I go full-time. Trying to find someone to job share with by August 1…)

Baby girl has grown sooo much this past month and not just in size! We’re now ushering in the rolling stage (also known as the “oh my gosh how many times do I have to wake up in the middle of the night just to turn you onto your back and you’re just doing this on purpose to see me aren’t you” stage), grabbing stage (hello permanent ponytail!), and the babies are so worth it aren’t they stage (not that she wasn’t worth it before… I just think the timing is perfect– right when you start getting really tired they start doing tremendously cute things like smiling/laughing/gabbing all the time so you can never really be upset at them or at least not for very long).

Eva at 4 months:

  • Rolling, rolling, rolling. Loves rolling on her side especially right before sleeping, which is actually a SIDS no-no, but after a couple nights of flipping her on her back and her waking up, I kind of gave up and figured she has her pacifier which is supposed to decrease SIDS… so hopefully they cancel out. The one good thing is home girl is able to easily pop up her head and shoulders now, which makes me feel more at ease. Also loves rolling onto her tummy in her crib even though she eventually hates it and cries. The thing is I’ve seen her roll tummy to back too so I think she just knows we’ll come in and flip her, but she also has quite a temper and her crying escalates into hysteria so I haven’t tried letting her cry it out long than 3-4 minutes. I sit there watching the clock, hearing her cries get crazier and crazier. Then I figure it’s probably better just to jump in there, flip her, pop the pacifier in, and make a quick exit so at least she can calm herself down. Sigh… sleep training! We shall see… maybe when I feel she can roll tummy to back as easily as she can do the opposite I’ll start letting her cry it out more.
  • Excellent at tummy time now! Woohoo! Finally! Will be on her tummy for long periods of time. Loves rolling and scooting around (can only slowly scoot while turning). I think we’re going to have an early crawler on our hands…
  • Grabbing. Loves to grab my hair, her own clothes, my clothes. Hasn’t been to grabby with other things… yet. Was trying really hard to grab the table cloth then my plate the other day though. Can hold her toys, but won’t consistently grab for them and can’t hold them up.

ANDDD…. that’s as far as I got haha. Eva is 5 month today so I’ll be starting a new post… whoops! Back dating it to when I think I wrote this…

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Two Months (& 12 Days!)

Two Months (& 12 Days!)

Ahhh I can’t believe Miss Eva is two months already! And actually 2 months and 10 days because Mommy is so slow…

I am so in love with our little girl and can’t believe how fast she’s growing! I think in the day-to-day I don’t notice it, but looking back at her one month post, I can definitely see how quickly she’s progressing and truly is no longer a little newborn!

Some newborn things Eva’s outgrown so far: spending most of the time with her eyes closed, opening only one eye to check things out (ahh this was so cute… so sad!), crying during diaper changes and she can last most onesie changes now without hollering (PTL for this one!), happily spending tons of time in the Rock N Play, all her adorable newborn clothes!

This past month has been so much fun and praise be to God so much easier too haha.

Things I want to remember/treasure:

  • Smiling and babbling sooo much now! She LOVES her morning changing pad time when she smiles and babbles away. Looking forward to her and Daddy spending their mornings together while night owl Mommy gets some sleep!!
  • SOOOO active!! Grandma calls her a wiggle worm and says she’s more active than all the kids and grandkids so far. Constantly moving all 4 limbs. Loves looking around at new places/things/lights (haha). Super strong neck. Always trying to push off you when you hold her.
  • No longer wants to be held like a baby. Wants to be held straight up, preferably over the shoulder so she can easily look around.
  • She’s like a little firefly– loves looking at lights, especially fluorescent ones. Thoroughly enjoyed her first time at the church office as they have 10x more lights than our apartment kitchen.
  • Also likes looking outside, but not actually going outside. Once we actually go out whether it’s in the carrier or stroller, she always looks bored or closes her eyes.
  • Spends a ton of time in her carriers and will usually knock out in them after a while. Enjoys getting one arm out of the Moby though.
  • Doing better at being on her own. I think she’s realizing I’m the sucker who will always pick her up though. She does better when Daddy’s watching her and she’s on her back, but I feel like she always cries when I try to put her down.
  • Nursing better too PTL. No longer snacking every hour since I started forcing her to wait 2-3 hours before eating again.
  • Personality-wise, she definitely loves looking at new people and places, but goes to sleep when there’s lots of commotion. I think she might be an introvert as she gets overstimulated pretty easily? (Though the church moms say all babies at this age go to sleep when there’s a lot of commotion.) She does love to babble at lot though… maybe she will be like me haha. Quiet and introverted when out, but super talkative at home. If that’s the case, all I can say is, poor Daddy!! She also continues to be pretty sassy. She has a complaining/scolding cry and has no problem reminding you that you’ve upset her, so even after you’ve taken measures to calm her down, she’ll let out a little yelp a few moments later just to make sure you remember how upset you made her.
  • Nana and Papa watched her a couple Saturdays now, so Mommy and Daddy had our first dates! (Ramen & 85 Degrees, Target & Souplantation) Sooo nice to have a couple hours of reconnecting and also working out some of the disagreements we’ve been too tired to fully discuss haha. Definitely wouldn’t want to do any of this with anyone else!!!
  • Settled into a bit of a sleep schedule. We put her down anywhere from 8:30-10 and she’ll sleep until 2-3am. Feed her once, then put her down (or fall asleep… been trying so hard to not do this!). Then she tends to wake up every 1-2 hours from then on. I just realized too she doesn’t need to feed every time so she’s just waking up for comfort. Will try to sleep train that out this upcoming month.
  • Had her first cold!! We took her to the kids urgent care on a Sunday. No idea where it came from as we hadn’t taken her out much. It was only upper respiratory congestion though so she was fine PTL!
  • I got the stomach flu somehow. It was awful and probably the most sick I’ve been since January 2013 (or was it 14?). Had a fever and could barely get out of bed! Kenny stayed home and took care of Miss Eva for an entire day. She loved it!
  • Lots of firsts for outings: walked to get poke and boba, met up with Christine & Kaydence (before she was born!) for first friend date lunch, PIHOP, first visits to both sets of grandparents’ houses, visited Kristen Yee/Chow in Arcadia, Mother’s Day with both sides of  the family, Sharing Night at BSF
  • First new friend Kaydence was born almost exactly 2 months after Miss Eves and was almost exactly the same size– only 1 inch shorter! Showed Eva a picture and she smiled!
  • Shots on 2 month birthday. Sooo hard. Poor baby was so happy before the shots. Thankful pharmacist Kristie was visiting right before on that day and measured out the baby Tylenol and gave her recommendations! Nurse quickly gave Eva all 3 shots. She paused, stopped breathing, her face turned red, and a few moments later started wailing. Ahhh broke my heart. Had a hard time napping and eating the next couple days. Grandma came to help the next day :(

I’m sure there’s many other things and I should really keep track of them during the month otherwise I forget. Plus I’m 10 days behind with this post, so I feel like there are things I’m thinking of that didn’t happen from March 11-April 11, but I’m not sure. Will add more if I remember.

 

Overall, this past month has definitely been easier! We’re getting into a routine and finding a rhythm. There will be certain days that are especially hard, and overall I still have this general fog and tiredness, but it’s getting better! I’m thinking that this (fog, more tired than before [seriously– I used to think I was tired… bahahahaha!!) might be the new normal, and I’m figuring out too how to pursue the Lord and pursue others as He leads in this season.

I’ve been starting to think more too about parenting and how I want to parent Eva and disciple her to pursue Jesus. I realized (and it still brings me to tears) that at a minimum, if we all live to an average age (again, this is all Lord willing and also not considering that maybe we’ll all be alive when He comes back!!), baby girl will be living at least a third of her life without Kenny and me. That impresses on me even more the need to lead her to Jesus and show her how to follow Him. And even in the years we do have together, I know I’m going to mess up so much. And I know I won’t be able to be there for her all the time. I mean even now when we are physically in the same location 98% of the time, I can’t tend to her every need. Only Jesus can perfectly help her and guide her and be with her 100% of the time in the exact way she needs in this life.

This life is just a breath. And I want to use every last second of the life I have left to show my baby girl that the only thing worth pursuing is Jesus. So how do I do that even now? Even when she’s a tiny babe? Because even though it might not seem like it, she’s learning and I’m sowing seeds into her life even now.

Do the things I do and pursue show her that it’s so good to follow Jesus? Or does she see that I’m more interested in my phone, browsing social media or the web or texting? When something happens that upsets me, do I stop and pray and ask for help? When something terrific and exciting happens, do I stop and give thanks and praise to Jesus? In the conversations I have, am I saying things that lead others to Christ? Or am I subtly puffing up myself, trying to get them to like me or think I’m great? Am I cutting others down either to their face or behind their backs? Am I talking about things that matter or about things that are frivolous? What am I approving of by not correcting or speaking the truth even when it’s hard?

I guess with little eyes and ears around, I’m being forced to re-examine myself. Something our COO said at my work baby shower stands out:

Kids will learn far more from your actions than your words.

I want to show her with my life, not just my words, that it is so good to follow Jesus– to live life with Him, for Him, and in His way.

So like I said, I think this month God has been reminding me of my own brevity as uncomfortable as it may be. But the good thing is it’s getting me to examine my parenting and integrity. I want to live for what matters. And if I won’t do it for Jesus or myself (though as the Lord sanctifies me hopefully I’ll be doing it for more of Him!!), then I want to do it for Eva. So she can live a life that matters. Because how sad would it be for her to live an amazing life, but to do so without Jesus?

Anyway, this is kind of ending on a somber/sobering note. So I also want to note, if you can’t tell from all the points above, that being Eva’s mom is also so joy-filled. I adore her more and more every day and take so much delight in being her mother!

And to hopefully capture just a fraction of that joy, here are my favorites from month 2:

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First Mother’s Day

First Mother’s Day

4:30 am on my first ever Mother’s Day.

It’s weird to think this is a day now celebrating me. But as I scroll through Facebook reading other moms’ posts, memes, memories, I can’t help but chuckle, cry, wonder at how amazing it is to have the privilege of shepherding my baby girl for however long the Lord desires through this life. 

Dear sweet Eva,

How wonderful it is to be your mom! To love another little being so much! To find every single thing you do (well, almost) hilarious, special, astonishingly cute. Even the not-so-adorable things, like your super scrunchy sad/angry face and the little sounds you emit when making a juicy diaper are things that bring me so much laughter and joy. 

I know it’s cliche, but who knew that you could possibly love a tiny little human who mostly sleeps, eats, poos, who only mostly grunts and cries and doesn’t even talk, oh so much!?

On that note, sometimes I forget that you can’t talk. I babble on to you all the time narrating our life and when all you do is silently stare at me, or who am I kidding in more instances silently stare at the ceiling haha, I remember oh yeah that’s right she can’t respond to me!

Another favorite of ours is dancing to music. Mostly because I want you to have good rhythm and better musicianship than me. I throw you in your baby wrap, grab the shaker, and we dance and sing along to whatever comes up on YouTube after typing in a random first song (Bethel, Hillsong, indie folk, classical… you are truly your father’s daughter as the classical puts you right to sleep!). 

I love your tiny baby babble. Of course you talk more to Dad than me, but nevertheless it thrills me to hear your tiny squeals and “Aaaaa’s” (on that note, what’s up with that!? I care for you all day and bounce you through your periods of being Miss Fuss Fuss, but as soon as Dad gets home it’s sweet, happy, talkative baby time!?!? In your words, “Aaa!” [the angry kind of Aaa]). I can’t wait to hear your first laugh. I hear it’s coming soon and I know I’ll want to cry and laugh and bottle it up and save it until the day I die. (Not being dramatic, I really will!)

I’m even coming to enjoy these middle of the night feedings as I had prayed over and over at the difficult beginning. How precious it is to see you find comfort in closeness, to see how you calm down when I pick you up and hold you next to me. I just melt too when you flash me your gummy side smile or reach up your precious little hand to rest on me while you feed. 

As much as it is fun, new mommyhood is definitely hard too. And there are days when I’m just staring at the clock begging 3:30 to come so your dad will come home and offer relief. (And then of course after offering said relief I’ll give him attitude or pick a fight over something silly… Lord, help me!!) But more and more now I’m trying to lean in harder to motherhood instead of just trying to survive and pass the time. More and more I’m learning to slow down, not stress when you’re upset or not doing what it is I want you to be doing (sleeping without being held during the day, not crying when I wipe your face), and treasure this very short time of life when you have such great need for me. For I know the day will come soon when you ask me to put you down, don’t want help, don’t want to be carried. And then the day will come when you’re too big to fit in my arms and no longer need all that much from me (help, comfort, etc.). 

Eva darling, oh how I love being your mom and treasure this first season of your little life!! So today is about you as much as it is supposedly about me. For there really isn’t much thanks I need for doing something that brings so much joy and sanctification and goodness to me. 

Happy first Mother’s Day to us both! I thank God so much for you, Evangeline Mikeina Yee!!!

Love,

Your adoring Mommy


I know you don’t like being teased, but words cannot express how hilarious and at the same time precious I find this face!!


Sorry, more teasing, my love! This one is called “Aaa!”


My super silly, oh-so-happy, darling baby. 

New Mommy Life

New Mommy Life

Yesterday was difficult.

Not really sure why as it wasn’t too different than any other day. I guess part of it was the overly ambitious 0.8 mile walk to get poke and boba on a hot April day. And I think the other part of is that little Eves has been fussier than usual lately and yes, as my sore lower back and wrists can attest, I do get tired of having to carry her all day, but more so I think what frustrates me that I can’t quite figure her out.

Internal dialogue: Why is she so fussy lately? Is it just a growth spurt? But it’s been going on for a long time now! Should I give her a pacifier? Why do I feel the judgment of a thousand internet moms when I do and she calms down instantly (on that note, maybe I should just stop reading so many mom forums)? And if I don’t give her the paci, she’s so dang close to figuring out finger sucking soon as that index finger knuckle always lingers precariously close to her mouth and fingers are dirtier than pacis which you can wash, right? Am I spoiling her by carrying her constantly? But if I try to put her down no amount of shushing and patting will keep her content for more than 5 minutes. And what about nursing? Every time she cries now she acts like she wants to nurse (probably because I was too quick to nurse her every cry before! #newmomfail), but then when I nurse her she’ll only eat for a few minutes and/or spit up what seems like everything she ate within the hour anyway.

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Our Complicated Little Sleepyhead

I guess this is all just a part of new mommy-hood. The new mom boot camp that prepares you for the rest of your life!

And yet, what they say is so true. When she finally flashes you a smile or lets out a little baby coo, when she finally calms down and you get 15 good minutes of play time in… oh my goodness it is so worth it and all I can think is how could I ever be upset with you!?

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Melt my heart, why don’t ya!? Sad thing is she’s probably smiling at Kenny and not me bahahaha.

All this seems like one big exercise in learning to depend on the Lord, in remembering to ask Him for guidance and strength and wisdom and patience and grace and so much more! I’m in the crucible of learning to selfless (in other words, like Christ) and it’s hard because let’s face it often times what I prize more than my daughter or more than my husband is myself, my own convenience, my own ease.

And actually what I thought would be most difficult part (no sleep) is turning out to not be all that bad. For one Eva’s been a fairly gracious sleeper (usually 3+ hour stretches though lately it’s been one long stretch, then waking every hour til Dad fetches her around 5:30) and I think too I’m just used to staying up til the wee hours of the morning and dealing with very little sleep. (All those ridiculously late nights in college are finally good for something!) Also, I’m trying to just treasure the time and was convicted to turn the phone to airplane mode to discourage mindless surfing (and also the Parents magazine scared me by saying they don’t know the long-term affects of kids being constantly exposed to wifi and cell phone signals yet… yikes! So they suggest turning phones to airplane mode when possible and never holding a cell phone up to your kid’s ear). Instead, I’ve been striving to pray and commune with the Lord in those early morning hours when I’m holding little Eves upright (20 minutes to help reduce the spit up!) and listening to the dear husband snore. Though I do admit sometimes I can’t take it and give him a not-so-gentle kick hehe.

So anyway, just some thoughts and reflections.

I’ll end with this funny tidbit: last night Kenny graciously took Eva and gave me some me time to, well, wash the dishes (and really yesterday was the type of day when I relished the tiny respite that was dish washing!). When I finished I couldn’t remember if I had actually soaped them or not. I knew I had actually washed the cups, but I’m still pretty darn sure that at least half of the dishes had only been rinsed with water. So out came all the dishes and I had to wash them again hahaha. Totally the epitome of new mommyhood, am I right!??

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Little love bug loves her daddy!

Lord Jesus, help me to be more like You. Help me to be selfless and to truly treasure this short season that is new mommyhood. Give me Your character, Your patience, Your understanding. Give me wisdom as I try to figure out how to best care for our precious little girl. And help me to know there’s so much grace even when I fail. You are so good, O Lord! Thank You for Your love and grace! Help me through this whole process to understand what it means when You say You love us so perfectly and that we are Your children, and help me to teach these truths as best as I can to dear Eva. We love You, Jesus!!! We depend on You!!!

One Month Mega Post

One Month Mega Post

So as I’m sure anyone reading this already knows, we welcomed Miss Evangeline Mikeina into the world on March 11, 2016 at 3:43am (6 pounds, 19 ounces)! I’ll have to document her birth story soon as I think I’ve already forgot a good number of the gruesome details for good reason (haha jk… sort of! But really it wasn’t THAT bad)!

April 11th marked one month of life with beautiful Miss Eva! I find myself loving this babe more and more every day. And yes, sometimes it’s hard, really hard, but overall this first month of motherhood has been a whirlwind of excitement, newness, awe… more than words can describe. I’m constantly finding myself in need of God and His grace, and also finding myself constantly marveling at His goodness in giving us this precious little life to shepherd for however long He would have us do so.

My constant prayers this month has been “Lord, help her know she can trust You and trust us” and “Lord, help me entrust her to you.”

I know I’ve posted a bunch of these a million places, but here’s my favorites of Eva from this past month:

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Things I love and want to treasure/remember:

  • Personality: Steph said Eva looks “spunky” and I think that’s the perfect word for her right now! She’s very active, a little feisty/bossy, and as she spends more and more time awake, so much fun! She loves moving her little arms and legs when she’s excited and hearing all her little noises melts my heart! I affectionately call her my baby bird because that’s what she reminds me of! I think the fact that her hair sticks up since we washed also helps add to the “spunk” haha.
  • Likes: sleeping, eating, stretching with either one arm or two especially when making a diaper :), having her arms free and putting them up next to her face when sleeping and awake, Kiki the elephant toy, being carried, Rock N Play, flashing a half smile during/after eating
  • Dislikes: sleeping without being carried (though I’m guessing this is all babies?), changing clothes or diapers, getting burped, and baths… those are the absolute worst (and so like the responsible parents we are, we’ve only been bathing her once a week…)
  • Size: Eva is the absolute perfect size for cuddling right now! If one of my biggest complaints is that she wants to be held all the time… then that’s not much of a complaint at all! God’s helping me re-frame the “hard” parts of motherhood and to realize the blessings in each of them
  • Paternity Leave: It was sooo nice to have Kenny home and off for 3 weeks with one week being Spring Break. Yay teacher life!! My husband is so thoughtful and sweet. While he was home he made poke bowls (on that note I LOOOOVE not being pregnant anymore!! Hello, sashimi!!), smoked salmon omelets, and kim bap among other things. Eva loves her silly Daddy and how he is always talking to her and playing with her.
  • Community: All the support from our family and friends. Especially loved having my mom here every day during Kenny’s first week back at work! For the longest time our silly girl would sleep whenever we had visitors and no joke would wake up often within minutes of our visitors leaving! I think all the commotion puts her to sleep. Also so thankful for our Seeds fam. Itching to go back to church and introduce Evangeline to everyone!

Anyway, not gonna lie it’s been hard spending time with God this month. Funny thing is every time it hits 4am though I take heart knowing that Ms. A is probably awake and praying… and often times I hope to God she’s praying for me haha. Those night watches aren’t easy!!

I think I’m operating at 50% brain capacity right now with the sleep deprivation, so a lot of times the most I can do is cling to a few verses the Lord’s given me:

And my God will supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:19

I think this verse was from the first week. The struggle is real at times, especially when not only are you taking care of the baby, but are also still recovering from labor and delivery. And on that note, we spend so much time talking about giving birth, but very little time talking about the recovery!! Birth was hard, but it’s only one day or less! Recovery was by far more difficult/painful/traumatizing in my opinion haha. Also I was so hormonal that first week. Definitely had a few middle of the night cries while feeling helpless, inadequate, and just plain tired!

This verse reminded me to call on God in each moment, knowing that He supplies all we need. Even if it’s just help to get a good latch or grace to be kind to your husband when kindness is something your tired heart is lacking in the moment, He supplies us richly.

Rejoice always,
pray without ceasing,
give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I wanna say this verse was in weeks 2-3. I think I hit bottom at the start of week 3 and it got significantly better after that. This kept things simple.

Rejoice always. There’s so much to rejoice over, but it can be easy to lose sight. All the difficulties are so minute when you remember they’re all due to the fact that you have this beautiful, wonderful baby!!

Pray without ceasing. Honestly it’s hard sometimes to rejoice, which is why prayer is essential because sometimes you just can’t find it in your heart to rejoice! Also even though it’s been hard to spend time with God in the ways I would before, I’ve been reminded that spending time with God is so much more than just doing a daily devo. I want to be in constant communion with God through prayer and truth is I really need it!

And lastly, give thanks in all circumstances. As I mentioned earlier, God is helping me re-frame every “difficulty” from a standpoint of thankfulness. Yes, there are sleepless nights. But how beautiful is it that this tiny human being is so dependent on me right now? And what a beautiful picture of how we need God and of all He does for us!? Yes, sometimes her cries stress me out. But what a wonderful chance to show her she can trust me and as much as I’m able I’m going to be there for her! (On that note, I swear we had a “moment” on night 3 when we looked into each others eyes and I could see her brain coming to a realization that hey maybe I can trust this lady!) Even engorgement, which oh my gosh SUCKS! I realized through it God was helping me in my attachment to Evangeline because you’re in so much pain, and it’s this tiny baby who’s going to help you not be in pain anymore. Isn’t God so brilliant in how He designed things!? Like how perfect that breastfeeding can suck (lol sorry bad pun) but He helps you learn to enjoy it by having it help relieve the engorgement pain!?

 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Romans 5:3-5

This verse has been on my heart more recently, probably in week 4. The first part I understand, but I’ve been dwelling on the latter part of the verse. What does it mean that hope does not put us to shame? I think it means that as Christians we can always have hope and we will never be put to shame for having it, because our hope is enduring– it is based on the constant truth that God’s love is lavished upon us! We have so much hope because we have a God who loves us!!

So that’s what God has been putting on my heart lately.

The nice thing is, this week things have gotten substantially easier! Someone at work had told me after week 3 it gets better… and it did slightly. Then Kenny’s cousin told us after week 6 it gets better so I was trying to hold out until then. But the past few days have been vastly improving in terms of the difficulty level! And I’m actually feeling like getting out of the house, which tbh for the first 3-4 weeks I had very little desire to do (again, they should prepare you better in anticipating the difficulty of recovery!).

I am so in love with Miss Evangeline. I love her more and more every day. It’s interesting, I don’t know how much I attached to her right away. After labor and delivery, I think I was so tired (I didn’t sleep the previous night and she came into the world at 3:43am) I just had very little emotion in me and was a bit concerned when they put her on my chest and I didn’t feel like my world had just exploded and didn’t break down in ugly crying like I had anticipated. My thoughts were really just “Who does she look like?” “Why is she screaming her head off? It’s so loud!” and “Why don’t I feel utterly and completely in love with her like I should, or like Kenny so clearly is?”

But I think in those moments God was saying “It’s okay. There’s so much grace. Rely on me. I’ll teach you to love.”

And somehow it’s true! Maybe the first day or two and in the midst of those difficult nights I’d have to cry out “Lord, teach me to be selfless! Teach me to love!” but God has grown my love more and more and now I think I’m getting a clearer picture of that unconditional mother love and how I would do anything, anything!!, for this precious baby girl.

Lastly, I do want to capture though that it can be hard at times. I told Kenny yesterday it’s just tiring because there is almost always something she needs from you. And in the times when she is sleeping, you’re on call and just waiting for the next thing she needs.

And it’s funny. Steph asked me if I have a lot of free time. And the answer is yes and no. It’s complicated. You have all the time in the world. But also no time at all. I’ve been telling people that when you have down time, you get to choose one or maybe two of these things: eat/drink, sleep, personal hygiene, clean. You might get to do one of these and on a rare occasion two. But good luck with anything else! And the sad truth is a lot of times i waste my down time with Facebook or mindless internet browsing! And just when I’m settling in to nap/eat/go to the bathroom, BAM! 30 minutes are up. She’s crying. Pooping. Needs a feeding.

But I know all this will change and it’s already getting better because hey look! I’m blogging! It’s only a season. And for now I want to savor the fact that she does so desperately need me. She loves to be close. She wants to be held all the time. She needs to know I’m always just a cry away.

And she’s already growing up! Yesterday when I realized her shoulders now are almost bare and no longer Wolverine-like and covered in hair it almost made me cry. And she used to always open one eye first to peek out at the world before deciding whether to wake up and she pretty much never does that anymore (sob!).

So anyway. There’s no good way to end this. But this first month has been fun, exhausting, amazing. Kenny and I discussed how there are SOOO many sermon illustrations you can pull from having a baby haha. I’ll have to list more of them out some time, but the biggest one I can see right now is just how much God does for us. We are like tiny little babies. We need Him for everything! Yet, how terrible is it that we act as though we can operate independently of Him? Or after He’s done so much for us, we choose to disobey Him, reject Him, not spend time with Him? We need God like this little baby needs her Mommy and Daddy. And the wonderful thing is sometimes Mommy and Daddy just don’t get it, we mistake the “I’m wet!” cry for “Feed me!” But God is the perfect parent. And He will always richly and perfectly supply everything we need.