Second Trimester!!! Woot woot! But why do I still feel nauseous!?!? Haha.
How do I feel?
Still nauseous in the afternoons toward the end of work and before dinner. I thought this was supposed to be over?! Ugh. But as much as I complain, it’s still amazing that I’ve only thrown up ONCE so far (I don’t count the time that I had food poisoning) and even that one time was kind of due to my stupidity with the whole toothbrush thing. Sure there are the moms I can’t identify with who say being pregnant was so great and didn’t have any nausea at all, but on the other end of the spectrum there are moms who threw up every single day well beyond the first tri. Time for me to stop complaining about this and be thankful.
And HUNGRY. So hungry. I am always down to eat. Like always. Like worse than before (because in all honestly I’ve always been pretty down-to-eat even pre-pregnancy). Nice thing is I’m still -2 lbs. from when we started this whole pregnancy thing, even though if you were to see my tummy it sure doesn’t look it! Still not even sure how that’s possible, but I’m sure I’ll start putting on the preggo weight soon.
Definitely not as tired now though PTL. I barely even nap after work anymore!
Thirsty. The OBGYN asked about it at the first appointment and I wasn’t feeling it yet, but when I wake up in the morning I am soooo thirsty. My throat feels parched. Oh and then there’s the pee. Yes, it’s true. You always have to pee. Haha. Oh and leg cramps too in the middle of the night. That’s a new thing.
Other than all that though, I actually feel pretty energetic and excited! I’m feeling a lot less irritable too thank goodness… or should I say thank Jesus!? There’s still times when I feel like the grouch can’t be contained, but it has been better as of late probably due in part to being less tired.
What is God saying? (This is actually a whole other post really, “The Fight Against My I-Ness”)
So I just wrote a whole Tumblr post yesterday, which kind of captured it, but I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships and change and what it means to endure in relationships even when they are difficult. I think God has been speaking to that area of my life and working on my heart to grow me in love.
I think too He’s been showing me that my love is so small, even when it comes to the people I purport to love. Only He can grow my heart and make me someone who truly loves.
My love is so limited. I will “love” to a certain point, i.e. be friendly, small talk, help out a little, but there is definitely a limit to how far I’m willing to go with other people. It’s like I stop right at the point of being friendly acquaintances/casual friends and for the most part don’t dare to or want to move past that stage.
Why is that?
For me at least, I think a big part of it is personality. For so long I deceived myself into thinking I was an extrovert because let’s face it, as a kid being an E is sooo much cooler. And yes I was always pretty friendly and I can step it up and try to drive a convo if I need to, but me, an E? Puh-leaseee. There’s no way even when I was in high school/college. I just wanted to desperately to be that social, fun person that draws people in. But honestly when I realized later that I was actually TOTALLY an introvert, it was actually very freeing. Finally I knew why I couldn’t pull off meeting up with multiple people every day of the week like my more extroverted friends. It wasn’t because I was less loving or less Christian, it just wasn’t how I was wired. And when I had a better understanding of my wiring and limitations, I think it helped me live a more reasonable life.
Now I think in high school/college life, there’s a lot of I’s trying to pull off being E because like I said, it’s just SOO much cooler. But then something changed either as a young adult or when all this introvert pride literature started coming out over the past few years (I think it’s both) and suddenly it’s like I-ness is totally a cool thing too. I think also as you mature you come into your own and stop trying as much to be things that you’re not. But suddenly it’s like being I is supreme and guess what it’s TOTALLY okay to hermit out in my room or only spend time with my sig other and cut off the rest of my community.
While I think it is good to embrace who we are and see the upsides of our own God-given personality, I think it’s also totally NOT okay for us to use personality as an excuse for not loving, not being a part of community, not trying hard with other people. In order for me to love and be like Christ, I need to fight off my tendency to only think about me: my comfort, my energy levels, my time. Because I am an “I,” or perhaps just because I’m human, it is SOOO hard for me to make space in my life for other people.
I am TOTALLY that person at work that only has 1-2 work friends and keeps everyone else at arm’s length because I just don’t like being bothered. It’s not that I don’t have time, it’s just that I’d rather sit here quietly at my computer than go out to lunch with everyone or join in on playing ping pong or that sort of thing. And in my mind I justify it and think well all these people are Christians so you know it’s not as important for me to make friends as it would be if I were at another type of workplace. But who am I kidding? At my last job for the most part I was the same.
And at church… at church I have to fight SO HARD sometimes to put myself out there and be social. I struggle to introduce myself to new people or go deeper with less new ones. A lot of times it’s so hard for me to open up with people because I just don’t really want to or sometimes even see the point of it. And life group/small group, etc. Ugh. I feel like saying “don’t even get me started!” But it is so hard sometimes to drag myself there and I often feel like (at least initially) that it’s going to be a waste, so what’s the point? Even lunch after service can be a drag and I have to convince myself to go and participate in lunchtime festivities. (Luckily having an extroverted husband helps though as he’s almost always down for some activity.)
So basically what I’m saying is that it goes against my nature to love and connect with (most) people. And it’s probably not just an I thing, I’m sure there are ways E’s struggle with loving too. But what I find is that when I do die to myself, when I do force myself to hang out/reach out/go deeper, a lot of the times God does meet me there and I leave thinking either “that wasn’t that bad” or surprisingly “that was actually pretty great!” It’s just that initial surge against the flesh that takes effort and a lot of Holy Spirit help.
A fellow introvert posted this Tim Challies blog which I found very insightful: The Christian Introvert.
The post isn’t long, but here the parts that spoke to me most:
I believe that God made me introverted. It seems clear that some of us are naturally more outgoing while others are naturally inclined to be quiet. I am naturally quiet and this is part of God’s good design.
…we inhabit a world of sin where any trait or quality can be used for God-glorifying ends or for self-glorifying ends. Not only that, but God calls us to be always willing to deny our desires in order to serve others. Both introverts and extroverts will face particular temptations to sin. My temptation as an introvert is to run away from people instead of serve people. It is to be selfish instead of giving.
The Christian life is a life of self-denial. It is a life of saying, “Even though this may be what I want, duty compels me to do something different.” There are many times when I am to deny my own desires in order to serve others. Even the desire to be alone.
I have no right to crave introverted solitude. Rather, the gospel compels me to deny even that trait and all its desires in order to serve other people. I am introverted, but this does not give me a different calling in life than the gregarious Christian.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not a hermit or anything and I have a handful of people I choose to keep in contact with and who I feel I can honestly share my life with, and I don’t think we need to be best friends with everyone, but we do need to love everyone, love those we come in contact with. When I come in contact with people, do they leave having experienced at least a small part of Jesus’ love for them? Do they leave feeling like they matter and knowing that they’re important?
Jesus focused a good amount of His energy on the 12, and even within the 12 disciples, He had His inner circle, but I’m certain that every person Jesus came across He loved. Yes, even the Pharisees and others who opposed Him in a strange way were loved (kind of what I described yesterday regarding His firm stance against sin).
Anyway I could babble on and on about this topic, but the heart of it is, “Lord, help me to love!” In spite of all I am and/or with all I am, help me to love.