So I’ve successfully switched all my Tumblr posts over to WordPress and I must say I’m pretty pleased with the move thus far. I feel like WordPress is more conducive to the type of blogging I do and change is always a bit of a motivator, isn’t it?, so I’m hoping this also could mean I blog a lot more in the near future.
I also added in all of my private “BabYEE” pregnancy posts! You can catch up on the journey so far by following the tags here: BabYEE!
The one downside to moving all my Tumblr entries over is I feel like it makes my “Tags” section on the right-hand column look kind of… messed up? Hahaha. So as we make the switch to WordPress, I want to explain why “breakup” and “trials” are two of the three biggest words there. (Seriously… I’m not crazy! The last blog I posted with the tag breakup was from November 2011… almost 4 years ago, okay?!)
So the majority of my Tumblr blogging was done in college/immediately post-college, thus the majority of the tags will be from that time period. For instance, in September 2010 I posted a whopping 41 times (that’s more than one time per day!!!), whereas in September 2014 I posted ONCE. Of course in September 2015, I will have now posted 12 times, but that’s only because of the excitement of our coming little one! (Which is actually why I hope I’ll blog more in this next season of life!)
You’ll also see other areas of my life that were prominent back then in my high-blogging days: Kairos, missions (which I actually don’t blog about much anymore *sad face*), and photography are just a few that jump out at me.
So anyway, just wanted to clear things up– I’m not crazy!!!
It is kind of funny looking back though at what I went through at that time. I mean, not funny as in comical, because that time of my life suck!, but funny because now with perspective I can see so clearly what God was working in me.
I endured a fair amount my junior/senior years and in the months right after college, but just as I had hoped in faith at the time, that suffering was not without purpose! God was rooting out idols and giving me those experiences you can look back on when you start to doubt, those ones you speak to your soul about, the ones where you can say “hey, don’t you remember…”
And it wasn’t just about the breakup at the time. There were so many other factors that made that one trial seem so much worse. Bitter heartbreak and betrayal of the familial kind, being forced to leave Kairos (the first church where I felt like I belonged), going back home to a lack of community, joblessness and restlessness over what I should do with my life… so many other moving pieces. Deb actually highlighted to me too that the transition out of college is often pretty terrible for most college grads even without all the added drama.
So what can I say?
It sucked. But it was worth it. A million times worth it because of what I gained in my relationship with God.
I don’t share this a ton, but I used to go to this very dark pseudo depressed state often in late high school and early college. It may sound melodramatic, but based on what I’ve now seen through inner healing prayer training at PIHOP, I really believe there were demonic influences that played into that (no joke…I believe the demonic has a MUCH greater affect on believers than the modern conservative church seems to believe). So I would go to these really dark places of hopelessness every so often out of the blue.
It wasn’t until I experienced “real” trials my junior/senior year that I truly saw victory in that area of my life and stopped going into those random semi-depressed funks. It seems counter-intuitive that things got better in that area, but I truly think those trials drove me to the Lord and grew in me a strength in Him that put a huge damper on those influences in my life (again this probably sounds SO out there to some people– feel free to ask me about it!!).
I’ve also touched on it many times before and try to share it often with our youth group girls haha, but that heart-wrenching breakup was for one so heart-wrenching because it was really the Lord tearing the idol of relationships out of my life, but it was also the gracious end of that idolatry. By force, the Lord made see that romantic relationships will NEVER satisfy my need for Him and that my idolatry had placed sooooo much pressure on my relationship because I expected my ex to be everything to me. Only Jesus can be everything! Anything else will disappoint eventually.
And when God graciously brought Mr. Kenneth Yee into my life, there was so much more freedom because I was no longer living in that sin of idolatry! I had grown up a ton and was ready to be a mature participant in that relationship… all praise be to Jesus!
In the end, what I gained from heartbreak and trial was/is invaluable. I learned to walk day-to-day with Jesus, surrendering all to Him. I saw firsthand that when I tried to quell the suffering with other sins, there was no peace in my life. I learned that when you allow yourself to really feel the hurt, don’t run from it, and instead face it with Jesus, your character and trust in Him is fortified in a way that cannot be easily taken away.
I know there is no promise of an easy life on this earth, and there will be trials ahead. My hope is that whenever that next fiery season does come, I will be able to face the suffering and patiently endure, knowing without a doubt that God works all things together for good for those who love Him.
So that’s my disclaimer and a mini testimony! And hopefully for the last time I will use the tag “breakup” (though maybe I shouldn’t because this is just digging an even deeper tag “hole” to get out of haha).