4:30 am on my first ever Mother’s Day.
It’s weird to think this is a day now celebrating me. But as I scroll through Facebook reading other moms’ posts, memes, memories, I can’t help but chuckle, cry, wonder at how amazing it is to have the privilege of shepherding my baby girl for however long the Lord desires through this life.
Dear sweet Eva,
How wonderful it is to be your mom! To love another little being so much! To find every single thing you do (well, almost) hilarious, special, astonishingly cute. Even the not-so-adorable things, like your super scrunchy sad/angry face and the little sounds you emit when making a juicy diaper are things that bring me so much laughter and joy.
I know it’s cliche, but who knew that you could possibly love a tiny little human who mostly sleeps, eats, poos, who only mostly grunts and cries and doesn’t even talk, oh so much!?
On that note, sometimes I forget that you can’t talk. I babble on to you all the time narrating our life and when all you do is silently stare at me, or who am I kidding in more instances silently stare at the ceiling haha, I remember oh yeah that’s right she can’t respond to me!
Another favorite of ours is dancing to music. Mostly because I want you to have good rhythm and better musicianship than me. I throw you in your baby wrap, grab the shaker, and we dance and sing along to whatever comes up on YouTube after typing in a random first song (Bethel, Hillsong, indie folk, classical… you are truly your father’s daughter as the classical puts you right to sleep!).
I love your tiny baby babble. Of course you talk more to Dad than me, but nevertheless it thrills me to hear your tiny squeals and “Aaaaa’s” (on that note, what’s up with that!? I care for you all day and bounce you through your periods of being Miss Fuss Fuss, but as soon as Dad gets home it’s sweet, happy, talkative baby time!?!? In your words, “Aaa!” [the angry kind of Aaa]). I can’t wait to hear your first laugh. I hear it’s coming soon and I know I’ll want to cry and laugh and bottle it up and save it until the day I die. (Not being dramatic, I really will!)
I’m even coming to enjoy these middle of the night feedings as I had prayed over and over at the difficult beginning. How precious it is to see you find comfort in closeness, to see how you calm down when I pick you up and hold you next to me. I just melt too when you flash me your gummy side smile or reach up your precious little hand to rest on me while you feed.
As much as it is fun, new mommyhood is definitely hard too. And there are days when I’m just staring at the clock begging 3:30 to come so your dad will come home and offer relief. (And then of course after offering said relief I’ll give him attitude or pick a fight over something silly… Lord, help me!!) But more and more now I’m trying to lean in harder to motherhood instead of just trying to survive and pass the time. More and more I’m learning to slow down, not stress when you’re upset or not doing what it is I want you to be doing (sleeping without being held during the day, not crying when I wipe your face), and treasure this very short time of life when you have such great need for me. For I know the day will come soon when you ask me to put you down, don’t want help, don’t want to be carried. And then the day will come when you’re too big to fit in my arms and no longer need all that much from me (help, comfort, etc.).
Eva darling, oh how I love being your mom and treasure this first season of your little life!! So today is about you as much as it is supposedly about me. For there really isn’t much thanks I need for doing something that brings so much joy and sanctification and goodness to me.
Happy first Mother’s Day to us both! I thank God so much for you, Evangeline Mikeina Yee!!!
Your adoring Mommy