Yesterday was difficult.
Not really sure why as it wasn’t too different than any other day. I guess part of it was the overly ambitious 0.8 mile walk to get poke and boba on a hot April day. And I think the other part of is that little Eves has been fussier than usual lately and yes, as my sore lower back and wrists can attest, I do get tired of having to carry her all day, but more so I think what frustrates me that I can’t quite figure her out.
Internal dialogue: Why is she so fussy lately? Is it just a growth spurt? But it’s been going on for a long time now! Should I give her a pacifier? Why do I feel the judgment of a thousand internet moms when I do and she calms down instantly (on that note, maybe I should just stop reading so many mom forums)? And if I don’t give her the paci, she’s so dang close to figuring out finger sucking soon as that index finger knuckle always lingers precariously close to her mouth and fingers are dirtier than pacis which you can wash, right? Am I spoiling her by carrying her constantly? But if I try to put her down no amount of shushing and patting will keep her content for more than 5 minutes. And what about nursing? Every time she cries now she acts like she wants to nurse (probably because I was too quick to nurse her every cry before! #newmomfail), but then when I nurse her she’ll only eat for a few minutes and/or spit up what seems like everything she ate within the hour anyway.
I guess this is all just a part of new mommy-hood. The new mom boot camp that prepares you for the rest of your life!
And yet, what they say is so true. When she finally flashes you a smile or lets out a little baby coo, when she finally calms down and you get 15 good minutes of play time in… oh my goodness it is so worth it and all I can think is how could I ever be upset with you!?
All this seems like one big exercise in learning to depend on the Lord, in remembering to ask Him for guidance and strength and wisdom and patience and grace and so much more! I’m in the crucible of learning to selfless (in other words, like Christ) and it’s hard because let’s face it often times what I prize more than my daughter or more than my husband is myself, my own convenience, my own ease.
And actually what I thought would be most difficult part (no sleep) is turning out to not be all that bad. For one Eva’s been a fairly gracious sleeper (usually 3+ hour stretches though lately it’s been one long stretch, then waking every hour til Dad fetches her around 5:30) and I think too I’m just used to staying up til the wee hours of the morning and dealing with very little sleep. (All those ridiculously late nights in college are finally good for something!) Also, I’m trying to just treasure the time and was convicted to turn the phone to airplane mode to discourage mindless surfing (and also the Parents magazine scared me by saying they don’t know the long-term affects of kids being constantly exposed to wifi and cell phone signals yet… yikes! So they suggest turning phones to airplane mode when possible and never holding a cell phone up to your kid’s ear). Instead, I’ve been striving to pray and commune with the Lord in those early morning hours when I’m holding little Eves upright (20 minutes to help reduce the spit up!) and listening to the dear husband snore. Though I do admit sometimes I can’t take it and give him a not-so-gentle kick hehe.
So anyway, just some thoughts and reflections.
I’ll end with this funny tidbit: last night Kenny graciously took Eva and gave me some me time to, well, wash the dishes (and really yesterday was the type of day when I relished the tiny respite that was dish washing!). When I finished I couldn’t remember if I had actually soaped them or not. I knew I had actually washed the cups, but I’m still pretty darn sure that at least half of the dishes had only been rinsed with water. So out came all the dishes and I had to wash them again hahaha. Totally the epitome of new mommyhood, am I right!??
Lord Jesus, help me to be more like You. Help me to be selfless and to truly treasure this short season that is new mommyhood. Give me Your character, Your patience, Your understanding. Give me wisdom as I try to figure out how to best care for our precious little girl. And help me to know there’s so much grace even when I fail. You are so good, O Lord! Thank You for Your love and grace! Help me through this whole process to understand what it means when You say You love us so perfectly and that we are Your children, and help me to teach these truths as best as I can to dear Eva. We love You, Jesus!!! We depend on You!!!