Week 31

Week 31

So if baby girl comes on time, then we only have 9 more weeks! Single digits… eek!!

How do I feel?

I mentioned last post that the given should be tired haha. Still agree. I took TWO naps on Saturday and one nap on Sunday. It’s crazy! Trying to cash in now before we reach total sleep depravity. I think I’ve written this before, but everyone says the gradual lack of sleep is actually God’s grace. It helps prepare you for the battle ahead and teaches you to function with less and less sleep!

On that note here’s a lovely picture of my Saturday morning breath of fresh air (hehe):

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Gotta love that hair.

Other than that, baby girl is continuing to move quite frequently! I was texting Kenny at work yesterday that I can’t get enough of her moving (despite how uncomfortable it can be especially when I’m trying to sleep!). I think this is a preview of parenthood. I know cognitively how delusional it is for me to be so obsessed with her tiny movements, but I can’t help but absolutely love it! In fact, every time I grab Kenny’s hand and put it on my stomach to point out her latest hiccup or kick, I can’t help but wonder if he really does enjoy it as much as I do or if he just thinks I’m crazy.

I can’t wait for our baby!!!

What is God saying?

What is He NOT saying!? Lately there’s been so many things…

I think He continues to press in the need for Gospel urgency. If He is who He says He is, then whether or not we follow Him and live the way He prescribes is not something that can be delayed, it’s something we need to decide IMMEDIATELY.

If He is who He says He is, we cannot afford to delay. We cannot afford to be disobedient. We cannot afford to not spend time with Him. We cannot afford to not read our Bibles. We cannot afford to not pray.

Essentially, if He is a reality, then I cannot afford to spend my life on me.

If the God of Revelation is real (and quite honestly Revelation has been so hard for me to read with all the judgment and eradication of evil… evil as in Satan but also human beings who choose to oppose God by not believing), and His wrath is coming, then the need for us to share His Gospel love and grace while He may still be found is a matter of great urgency!!!

And how can I share His love with others and be a reflection of His light if I am not so filled with Him, so moved and convicted by His Holy Spirit, if I am not walking in His ways? I cannot be an effective Christian if I am not actively walking in Him!!

My heart has been breaking for those who do not know the Lord. As hard as it is for me to imagine a God who would punish those who do not choose Him, in faith I know that it is necessary and loving even for Him to punish sin and carry out justice. The punishment of evil is necessary if He’s going to restore the world to what it should be. And let’s face it, we all know this world is NOT what it should be.

Do I truly believe the Bible? Do I believe sin MUST be punished? Do I believe in the complete and total holiness of God, that if He truly is holy, then He must punish those who reject Him? Do I believe in the reality of hell? That even the things written in Revelation are only a tiny piece of the reality those will face who choose to not believe? (That realization to me was bind-blowing. As terrible as the judgments of Revelation are, there is still a limit to them because of the grace of God. If hell therefore is complete separation from God’s grace, how much more terrible will hell be!?)

If I truly believe these things, then my heart must be filled with conviction. How can I go about my life casually knowing that people I know (some that I love, some that I like, some I’m indifferent to, and even the ones I don’t like…) face the reality of hell? The reality of existence without the common grace of Jesus?

I cannot save anyone, only the Holy Spirit can. And God can choose to work independently of Christians (ex. Muslims seeing Jesus appear to them in dreams), but in His Word God says that whether I like it or not, if I call myself a believer I am responsible for making disciples, living a life that speaks of Him, and preaching His Words that can be very offensive, but are utterly necessary. Therefore, I am OBLIGATED to live a life that reflects Him. And I know the only way I can reflect Him is by abiding in Him– choosing holiness, being immersed in His thoughts through His Word, praying, listening.

Last week I cried out to the Lord, “I can’t do it.” I can’t love people. I can’t share Jesus with them. I know myself all too well. I’m selfish. I’m lazy. My love is so limited. My grace so conditional. I don’t like getting to close to people due to self preservation. I don’t like speaking the truth because I fear rejection and offending. I don’t want to tell people they’re in sin and maybe that sin is why they can’t feel or hear Jesus. I don’t want to tell people that no it’s actually not okay to put off thinking about God and just live in the moment and be happy. I can’t do it, so why would God choose to partner with me and give me opportunities to be a vessel for Him?

I am so limited. But God? God is unlimited. His resources are endless. His lovingkindness is inexhaustible. He knows how to love. He knows how to give extravagant grace. His Words bring life. His Words bring conviction and stir up hearts toward repentance from sin.

And what else do I know about God? His Word tells me to REJOICE, BOAST, BE THANKFUL for my weaknesses. For when I am weak, He is strong. For when I am empty, when I realize I have NOTHING to offer on my own, then I can truly be used by Him. He just needs a willing vessel. He doesn’t need a spiritual superstar. The people He chose in the Bible, they were incredible messed up even. If I am willing to be humble, and simply cry out “Here I am, send me!” then it’s in that place that He can use me.

So that’s where I’ve been lately. I’m in this place where God is giving me more of His heart, and showing me truly what it means to have Gospel urgency. And what does it mean to have Gospel urgency? Yes, it does mean being willing to share and listening for His voice, looking for opportunities to intentionally be a witness, but even more, Gospel urgency means recognizing how desperately I need to be with Jesus!! I cannot afford to not spend time with Him, read His Word, pray, listen, choose to walk in holiness. For the sake of the world, for the sake of my family and friends, I cannot afford to not be in Jesus!!

I’ll end with John 15:1-17. I’ve been drawn to these verses for the past month or so and even excitedly pointed them out to Kenny one morning. It’s a long passage, but please take the time to consider and read:

I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit He takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in His love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.

This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, He may give it to you. These things I command you, so that you will love one another.

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