So I haven’t written in AGES and a lot of people (okay… well like TWO tops) have been bugging me about it. This is gonna be a HUGE brain dump… just a warning!!
Though it’s now been over 4 months of marriage and we do have a bit of a routine down, I guess it’s been hard to get in a groove… or at least in a place where I want to jot my thoughts down. In fact one of the struggles has been trying to find where “me” time fits into all of this. I feel there’s less time for me to process and the truth is though we might need to strike a better balance, I need to be okay with this.
Add a new job (!!!!) on top of that plus a one hour both way commute and there you have it! Little time to think and almost no time to actually blog.
So why the sudden inspiration?
I guess I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately. Not a terrible place, but a place of having to confront a lot of past hurt and therefore confront the fears I hold today.
Definitely want a disclaimer though that actually NONE of this has to do with Kenny! And maybe it’s just that marriage has now provided a safer space to re-confront and bring to life (and hopefully banish) some of the dusty old fragmented skeletons in my locked and guarded mind-closet.
A bit of a tangent, but one of the poets at my work (there’s actually MULTIPLE poets… isn’t that awesome!??) mentioned that though it sucks, sometimes in order to get writing inspiration you do have to be in a bit of a dark place or at least a place with lots of emotion. The temptation is to bask in it and dwell on it though, but hopefully WRITING it helps alleviate and loosen some of the knots festering in my head.
So basically that was a lot of hoopla about actually sitting down to write and I’m tempted to end it here to aggravate my two faithful fans :) But Kenny is at trampoline dodgeball with friends so I actually have some time to think so let us continue with the plan…
I will divide into blog posts with titles haha.
Three things have happened which have forced me to go back and revisit the past. And really I’m the type of person that LIKES to dwell on the past, but these events forced me to dig deeper and bring to the surface a fair amount of hurt.
1) Sharing testimonies with the other young married couples at Seeds during our camping “non-retreat”
2) Studying Moses at BSF and having a lesson all about remembering God’s past faithfulness
3) Attending PIHOP’s deep inner-healing training today (which painfulness aside, I am actually SO excited about, though also somewhat scared, but that’s totally another post)
So in all this going back, I’ve realized that truly believing in God’s faithfulness during those times means figuring out why He allowed those trials and how even despite the suffering they were a mercy on me.
I was aptly reading a friend of a friend’s blog last week where she also wrote about tremendous pain and how she realized God allowed all of it so that she could TRULY see Him and the beauty of His community. He allowed tremendous pain because it was quite possibly the only way or maybe the best way that she would be able to love Him and accept love from Him and live out the calling on her life.
And I mean truthfully we may not always know why, and especially not instantly, but thinking through the trials in my early 20’s and trying to see what happened in me because of those things has helped me grow and heal just a little bit more.
Okay still talking a lot of theory and not much MEAT. Not the stuff people actually want to read.
My early 20’s were about failed relationships. Yes friendships that hit bumps that looked irrecoverable (is that really a word?), but God redeemed, but moreso key relationships that I totally relied upon and thought were incredibly stable.
So why did God allow that pain?
So the “romantic” relationship is easy for me to figure out.
As a church-raised Christian girl it was so easy to idolize that one perfect relationship that would be forever. And why would it be perfect and so fulfilling? Because I had done EVERYTHING right. I waited. When push came to shove I chose to not go out with non-Christian boys. So I expected and in my mind deserved that perfect all-fulfilling love story.
But! Praise be to God He totally broke me of that and had to do it in the harshest of ways. But! I can honestly say (and it’s not his fault AT ALL because he is absolutely amazing!!!) I do not idolize my relationship with Kenny. My expectations of him are reasonable (though you can ask him… at least they are in my mind haha). I don’t expect him to always be there for me, do everything for me, make my relationship with God work for me. Does he almost always do these things? Yes. But there is grace if he isn’t able to do these things. Also I don’t need to be with him constantly. He can have his own life. He is free because I am free.
So that one hurt. Check. Easy.
But what I’ve struggled with is why God would allow pain in my family?
And the thing is I KNOW WHY. I know it was to fully win people over to Christ, to get me to confront sin in my own life with an aggression and an anger, to give me my faith story… my proof of how I know God is real and the Holy Spirit can empower me to do things that I know are not from me (i.e. forgive pretty much instantly!).
I know these things, yet I still struggle to see them. I struggle with forgetfulness and want to wallow in self-pity and doubting and wondering.
So maybe this is why I write. Because writing it out gives it meat, substance, life.
Then with all this said, am I willing to accept that God is sovereign and that He really knows the best path for my life? And that the path He has for me WILL include suffering. Not just because life is suffering, and yes because this world is fallen, but also because it is trial and suffering that gets my attention and brings me to Him.
So this is what has been milling in my head lately (and don’t you hate how I start so many thoughts with “so!?”). And this is what has been troubling me and probably making me more difficult for Kenny. But these are things that need to be confronted, spoken into, released back to the Lord.
I feel like I use this illustration often, and though I do believe you can theoretically be delivered instantly, I once read about pain and how the same pains in your life will often need to be addressed over and over again. It’s cyclical. Yet, if done with the Lord, each time you visit the pain, it will be less and less and less. Again, I do believe complete deliverance is possible, but for some reason there are still things that I need to keep loosening and releasing. Maybe one of these times I’ll be able to release completely?
Another question is why do we need to address pain? It’s because pain is often the point when we took on false beliefs, let sin in, or lost part of who we are supposed to be. We are incomplete people trying to worship God and bring His deliverance to other people. But how much more power do we have when we are able to minister fully and completely? When we have seen the deliverance we describe and hope and pray for other people?
Be Mary, THEN Martha
Well this is kind of a completely different thought and longer this blog gets the more I know people aren’t going to read it. But whatever. When did I ever care about what people thing? (Bahahahaha… but really oh well ha!)
Seeds has been going through Ephesians and I kind of don’t know where the heck it came from because we’re only on chapter 1:2, but Kyle has been emphasizing how we need to learn how to SIT before we DO. Yes, there is grace for us, but if our ministry isn’t being done out of love we have for Christ (which will only come from SITTING with Him and understanding His love for US), our ministry and all our doing is worthless. Worthless!! Worth nothing!! Yes, it can be redeemed for good… but in terms of just God and me… it’s nothing!!
Learn to be Mary first, then be Martha.
Simple. Something I should know/do know already. But liberating.
Well trampoline dodgeball is over and the laundry still isn’t folded so I guess that concludes my mega-post.
Other things I’ve been thinking about and would make for good blogs? Well the new job of course + lessons learned from 4 years in the job desert haha, also cheating has been on my mind a lot too for obvs reasons and I think the Lord has been giving me some revelations and helping me release fears/control (again let me make it clear before any pitchforks come out that this has NOTHING to do with Kenny!!), and how I’ve grown so much in confidence/boldness all thanks to my super confident and sometimes overly confident husband haha. It’s a good thing. For me at least ;)
That is allllll. Send me your thoughts if you actually read this. I’m intrigued!!!!!