It’s been one month.
And it’s been one year.
So much to say and ponder, but what will I say to you, dear reader?
Please know that God is faithful. He is so so faithful. And He is REAL. And He LOVES. In our dimmest hour, He does not delight in our pain, but empathizes with us– His heart breaks, as do ours.
For every tear shed in darkness, He is there! He is there, reaching out, offering healing and redemption and love.
And He understands. He came to this world, a suffering servant, so He could understand exactly, understand perfectly, all that goes on within us.
God is so faithful. Even when I am not.
After all the reflecting is said and done, those are the promises I am resting on.
It’s been one year. One year after taking the first step to let go of a person, a person from whom I had derived so much security and worth.
And it’s been one month. One month since taking the first step to let go of a status (alone, safe, and single, relationship-free– a place from which I could never again get hurt!) from which I had at least derived security… and worth in some ways too as a strong, independent, lone-ranger-type-woman.
And so this time, as I let go, may I fully turn to Him. May I hide in Him. And may I find rest.
For placing your trust in anything else is such a fearful place to be. Formerly I was always afraid of losing that relationship, so I gave up everything to be in it, and became selfish and manipulative as I tried so hard to hang on. More recently, I’ve been living in so much fear of people. But that has led to loneliness and just a general paralyzed feeling, an inability to really make new friends.
Joshua Harris once said this:
We can’t enjoy the relationships God has for us when they’re all we’re living for. The ultimate relationship is not marriage. The ultimate relationship we’re created for is a relationship with Him.
It was so good, I risked my life while driving down Grand, rustling through my bag for pen and paper to write it down!
One year. One month. Finding my freedom as I give up all this world has to offer, and truly begin to trust in Him.
Finally, one year ago, I began pouring through the Psalms (honestly one of the most helpful things I did during that time… and honestly what a gift to be able to identify with them through my heartbreak! That one thing alone makes it all worth it!) and began claiming the promises I found in that book.
I’ve written it many times before, but on day six (so it’s marked), I found and clung to this promise:
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the Lord.
When I read that verse, I wrote it on a piece of scratch paper and stuffed it in my pocket. I remember carrying that promise around day after day, glancing at it often, and receiving from the Lord strength.
When I am weak, He is strong.
And He has proved Himself a strong fortress, a shield, a tower, a mighty Deliverer, my Redeemer, my hope, my faithful Father, the Prince of Peace transcending all understanding, my Bridegroom, my love.
Soli Deo Gloria
to God alone be the glory