Happened upon some old photos today. It’s weird when someone you were once so close to, a best friend, a love, drops completely out of your life. I stare almost blankly at the pictures wondering, “Who is/was that person?”
Leaves such an odd feeling. Like a residual lingering sadness. A remnant of the hurt that once was.
I could delete the pictures. I once de-tagged hundreds on Facebook haha. But there really seems to be no point. For all the emotion that once so charged those photos is almost gone…
Things that make me happy:
For one, that I think I’ve definitely gotten prettier since then HAHAHA. (: Or maybe I just feel better, more confident now. Like I don’t have to worry so much about not measuring up. Like my worth is not defined by whether a guy tells me I’m pretty or not. Believing more and more that I have a God whose grace is TREMENDOUS and thus somehow “thinks the world of me,” as a friend encouraged not too long ago. Amazing. Just amazing. My God is so good, so gracious to me.
Second, I can just see and feel that LIFE GOES ON. Sure sucked at the time, but it cracks me up, some of the ways I behaved eight, nine, ten months ago! I remember being sprawled out on the living room floor while the aptmates were in Vegas, crying into the futon, listening to Seriously’s “Dare I Say” over and over and over again– just a couple weeks ago my friend and I were DYING LAUGHING over that story! Oh and my little history paper fiasco too. Oh my goodness… SO NUTS!! Hahahaha.
Third, I just thank God SO SO SO SO SO SO much. He was absolutely a shield about me and protected my heart from even greater despair. And He has absolutely used this time of refinement to start drawing me back into a loving relationship with Him and I must say… IT’S WONDERFUL!! And (!!!!) even more fulfilling than ever was that relationship. I thank God for His tremendous grace upon me and for being a God who declares that He’ll take me back, even when I have been so unfaithful.
Definitely been one of the most heart-breaking times in my life, but I’m coming out so much stronger, more confident in Christ. I KNOW that God is real. I JUST KNOW. Through suffering, His character and His love have become so incredibly evident to me.
So I truly do thank God for my suffering (if I can even call it that). He has carried me through the fire. And He’s using all those things for my refinement and for His glory.
On day six of the whole ordeal, I found and CLUNG to this verse:
I would have despaired had I not believed I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living;
Wait for the Lord;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the Lord.
Well, by God’s grace, I really do think I waited through the struggle and pain. May have tripped a bit here and there, but I thank God that He gave me the ability to hurt and to wait, giving my heart the space and time needed to “take courage,” as the verse says.
And so I waited. And guess what. I SAW. I saw the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. I see it NOW in my life. I see it in those photographs. I see God’s faithfulness to me and His redeeming love for His people.
And so I thank Him. I thank Him, striving to better trust, better worship, better obey. He is everything He says He is. He is the Living God. And He is my Father. And He loves me.
BE ENCOURAGED, CHILDREN OF THE KING!!!! Let us praise Him this day! (Or, er, night… (: <3)