The promised entry was supposed to be entitled something like “V-B DAY!” Something fun and self-glorifying. A tribute to finally turning a corner! To finally being a hundred ten percent over it! Something to prove that I’m better without and I’m more than okay.
But as much as I want to congratulate myself for being so dang awesome, I’m faced with the bitter reality that I’m not. My pride was wounded greatly. My camp is far from forgiveness. And that as much as I crave male attention… I’ve pretty much lost hope in things like fidelity and marriage.
So what should the title read?
Honestly, I don’t know. Month seven truly was a month of freedom and release, but even still I’m all over the place. I think life tricks us into thinking things happen in one grand step, but really the said “things” happen over the course of time, over dozens of tiny, often painful strides, sometimes in the right direction, a lot of times not. Like graduation. You graduate and are told you’re about to go change the world! To do what you’ve been MADE for! But then you find yourself fattening up in front of a comp in a cozy nine to five, wondering what happened to your hopes and dreams!!!!! Ah but I digress. I’ll save it for another day. (:
A turning point. A corner rounded. But Victory of Everything Day? Hardly.
So did I love you too hard?
Or love you too easy?
Were the next smiles won hard-fought?
With looks more cryptic?
Excepts from month seven. Continuing to fight the fight. Just facing new battles.
But encouraged overall.
There is much brokenness (though pretty much there always was), but where there is brokenness, there is healing. Or at least the chance for it.
Just re-learning to take things one step at a time. To take my missteps (and there are many) to God in order to receive His grace. And to take the few positive lengths to Him as well, knowing it’s only through Him that they exist and it’s all for His glory
Anyway, I highlight the lows to point to God, but the highs extol Him as well!
Just a few:
Things like going through a day without even thinking about “it.” (Haha I use “it” like it guises anything!) Stumbling across an old email and realizing I’m not as affected by it as I thought I’d be. And I mean other silly little things like smiling at that cute Asian guy with nice hair (dude… I’m all about the hair) or getting free coffee. Mmm! Free!!
In short, God is good. I am not. I’m all over the place. I’m self-centered. My priorities are messed.
But I’m learning. Falling. Running. Crawling. Back-tracking. Dancing. Limping. Walking. One step, one day, one hope at a time.