Decided it was time to delete the old FB messages. Partially because I’m procrastinating on editing photos (…sorry Anton!), but partially because I think it’s time.
Doing the deed (haha) evokes a mixture of melancholy, but also relief.
I even deleted this one particular message, one I thought I’d save for ammo or something. Feeling empowered to even let that one go (PTL!).
Truth is, life goes on. It has been. It is going.
And I can honestly say I’m on the move as well.
It’s funny, the struggle this past month hasn’t been so much over the person anymore (I mean, last Saturday’s revelation did help with that tremendously!), but over the future I had dreamed up. I was on the fast-track toward everything I desired in life: I’d be happily married to a pastor (and at a young age!), second shooter-ing for his wedding photography business, living in the the classiest city in the world, and gearing up to start a fam on the missions field some day (well okay, that last part was at least what I was gunning for)!
Can you say, DREAM FUTURE!!?!?!?
It was the future I wanted. The future I DESERVED for being such a good Christian and good girlfriend. It was the future I had conjured up as the best way I could “serve God,” but really just serve myself and my own delusions of how I wanted my life to be.
And for the past month, I’ve sensed God asking me if I’m willing to let that future go, in addition to everything else.
If I find myself hurtling toward white-picket fence suburbia, will I still be joyful? Will I still believe that His plan truly is best for me? If I end up in LA forever, married to a doctor or something (though honestly if you’re going to spend that much time on people… dude go into ministry! Haha jk jk) will I still be content?
To be honest, part of me feels like I DESERVE my ideal future more than other people, because it’s just “so holy!” Ya know. Missions field. Married to an MDIV. All those sorts of things. But regardless of what our dreams and ambitions are (whether they be starting a non-profit or simply rolling in the Benjis), we’re called to submit them before the King.
Which is not to say that having a dream is a bad thing! God gave us our passions and desires for a reason. Just saying that contrary to what we’ve been taught our whole lives (Reach for the stars! Follow your heart! Get out there and MAKE your dreams!), our own happiness and desires are not the most important things. And the funny thing is, a lot of the things we THINK we want in life, in the end, aren’t really the things that will make us the most satisfied/happy/hunky dorky/etc.
As I’ve been going through the 2000+ pictures from the shoot I did with Antony, I’ve been thinking a lot about that. For so long, I thought I wanted to be a wedding photographer. I TOTALLY thought being a second shooter would be, like, AMAZING and pretty much the perfect job for a young pastor and his wife.
But man. The longer I go through the photos, the more I realize that as much as I love photography, weddings/engagements are not my thing. At least not being the photographer that is.