In all the brokenness, there will be beauty.
In the sowing in tears, there will be reaping in joy.
Haven’t cried out to God this much in… a while. Maybe because this day, this hour, this room even, is pretty much to the exact time the start of month four.
And because this time, I’m also without a church, without friends nearby, feeling trapped again in this perfect house in this perfect life I’m supposed to be living.
I feel captive to plans that are not my own, desires that belong to the old man, and circumstances that are seemingly impossible.
And God hears me when I cry.
When I call out in brokenness.
When I start giving in, believing that there’s nothing for me.
I’m being emo and melo-dramatic. I agree.
But it’s better than pretending to be perfect. Something I’ve been doing most of my life.
And so. I cry out to God. I tell Him that I no longer have a home. That home is where a person is. And that I’ve given that person up, supposedly for His glory.
And my heart breaks. For I realize that I let that home become a place to breed my self-centeredness and desires for sin, when it was supposed to be that safe place where we both cultivated a relationship with Him.
I know that’s why I had to give it up. To realize how selfish my heart had become, or rather, always was and is.
And I thank God for that. For this grace upon my life, no matter how much it hurts in the moment.
And home. I know my home is in heaven. It’s where my Father is. And that home on this earth, it will be wherever HE calls me and desires me to be, whether in LA, or China, or SD.
I am so thankful for a God that hears me in my darkest hour, even when the rest of the world is asleep.
So I cried out to God, begging for an answer.
Then I opened up my GMail, saw a message from a friend, and this is what God showed me:
“…a Christian church in the San Gabriel Valley to call home.”
Lord, I believe it. I believe in You. I believe You will give me all things!!! Always and forever alone for Your glory!!!!!!!