Love, break me down.

Love, break me down.

4:49am. Still jet lagged. And I was so good the past two days!

Late night is better for thinking anyway. “Been fighting for my strength and my perseverance” (to quote The Nehemiah Band!). My heart’s so bent on being fat and lazy.

The mind of the wise is in the house of the mourning,
While the mind of fools is in the house of pleasure.
-Ecclesiastes 7:4

Been struggling a lot for my thought life lately. What we think about reveals what we truly desire.

For me, my thoughts are always consumed with plans for the future. Delusions of grandeur. Dreams of future glory. And in the realm of the future, my mind is dominated by two areas: career and boys.

Really now. How pathetic is that?

But it’s so easy.

When escape is just a thought away, how could I have any hope at refusing?

I will do anything I can to not live in the present. Sometimes people dwell in the past. Their minds feast on nostalgia and memories. They recall all the good they’ve had to escape the bad. For me, I choose to dwell in the future. That’s kind of how my personality is anyway– I thrive as I imagine possibilities, as I see how things can come to be.

Yet, dreams are not reality. And no matter how much I can try planning God into these imaginary future worlds, He’s not really there. It’s not the real thing.

God’s desire is for me to live in the present. Where He is. Where there is a promise of hope, hope founded in the truth, not in my own plans, not in the things of this world. God wants me. And He wants me to live here. In the present. With Him.

I once enjoyed blissful communion with the Father. Conversation with the Almighty, the Utmost High.

I’ve walked with Him through UCSD. I’ve mused at the surprises placed seemingly just for me along the way. I’ve shared the Gospel with and through Him. Frantically shooting up my desperate pleas. As of late, I rode through China with Him. I felt and saw and heard His heart breaking.

Peace. Contentment. Security.

And yet I still routinely choose to give up these things.

Why do I not live in the present? Because presently, the present hurts. In the present, I face reality. I’m not Miss Popular, Miss Successful, Miss Desired, Miss Not Alone Anymore.

Here, right now, today, I am broken. Broken and scared and hurting.

I’m desperate for companionship, yet after so many failed friendships/relationships, save a precious few, I’m too gun-shy to make any attempts at such love.

And in the present. I miss him.

I truly hate that I do.

And escape. Escape is easier. It makes me feel stronger.

But this is not strength. Or it is. At least in the eyes of the world it is.

Weakness. Maybe it is weakness to miss him.

And so I try to escape. I fake strength by avoiding the thoughts so indicative of my weakness. And I avoid by dreaming. Dreaming so I can feel strong.

And when I must face reality, usually only because I’m talking to someone in the present, well then I do so with blazing guns, with a fiery tongue (oh and it would be the tongue, that sinful rudder, man’s great downfall).

But as much as I sinfully (and guiltily) berate and vent, there is still that oh-so-annoying part of me that still misses him. Not that deep, despairing longing anymore, but rather a dull, persistent ache, definitely not as bad as before, but still there.

So what am I to do?

The mind of the wise is in the house of the mourning,
While the mind of fools is in the house of pleasure.
-Ecclesiastes 7:4

That verse.

I am to live in the present, even if it is in the house of the mourning. To live in a dream world of pleasure, that is for a fool.

I have been made wise with the knowledge of the Gospel, yet here I am, living like a fool!

Here I am, knowing that the presence of God offers peace, which transcends all understanding, yet I still actively choose to live in the promise of pleasure that is found in the silly, vain dreams of man.

Lord, I am fighting for You. Help me fight this fight. I am tired of living in and for a world that does not exist. I have seen You deliver me from my corrupt thought life before. Free me. Free me to live for You, even if that means dwelling in a land of mourning, but for a night.

I trust You, O God. I trust that You know what You’re doing. I trust that You are Lord, even over my emotions, and that to escape them with the things of this world is futility (whether in the mind or also in reality). I give You everything. Be Lord over my everything. And give me patience as I wait for You to take these feelings away and to restore me. I know You know, but just saying, it’s so hard to wait.

I fail at every level, so here I am. And I am here, trusting in You.

Watching: Inception (hah perfect movie for a post about dreams/reality)
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