Glossed over Psalm 51 earlier today: “A Contrite Sinner’s Prayer for Pardon,” written by David after Nathan rebukes him for his sin with Bathsheba.
“Ahh sin!,” I thought, “Yeah I’m sinful, but let’s skim quickly and get to the comforting, get me through the day, God is my rock kind of stuff.”
And then! It hit me. As much as I’ve been saying it, I realized AGAIN that the end of this relationship is really SUCH A MERCY ON ME. Not because it was a bad relationship or anything (yes there were problems, but again, if it were not for God, I can’t imagine having willingly ended it on my side), but because it has allowed me to CHOOSE GOOD, to CHOOSE HIM.
Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.
Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.
In calling off this relationship, God has blotted out my transgression of repeatedly not choosing Him. In the Psalm, David says that his sin is ever before him and that he KNOWS it, but he realizes that it’s up to God to give him a clean heart.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Likewise, I knew that my relationship was an idol, and as much as I tried to choose God first this past year, it was still so so hard.
But now! God, because of His grace and mercy, has removed that part of my life. Now, I am free to receive a clean heart and steadfast spirit!
My prayer is that the next time, I’ll have grown enough and met with God so much that I’ll be able to choose Him FIRST, and enjoy His gifts second. Can’t even imagine how much more joy there will be in enjoying His gifts when I truly am focused on Him!
For example, through all this, God has renewed my perspective on life and I’ve really been seeing things through the lens of thankfulness. How much better would the relationship have been if I were thankful for all the things that God did bless us with, than being so focused on the things that weren’t the way I liked!??
But alas, there’s still so much more God must grow in me. At least I’m swinging now between good and not so great (as opposed to good and pretty much terrible haha).
Today was definitely a “not so great,” but I’m truly thanking God for His promises and His tremendous mercies upon my life!!!
Willingly, I will sacrifice to You;
I will give thanks to Your name, O Lord, for it is good.