This Photograph is my Proof

This Photograph is my Proof

Why did you ask to take down all the pictures? Makes me so sad to see my barren Facebook. ):

It’s amazing how easy it is to erase someone from your life. Like it was all a bad mistake or something. Leave no traces. Leave no evidence. Then maybe it will be easier to leave?

Can’t say that deleting albums, untagging hundreds of couple pictures, and deleting profile pictures was therapeutic. But maybe that resistance was me still trying to hold on. Still wanting to be able to look at some evidence that we DID exist.

Reminds me of this picture:

I loved this picture when we went to the photography museum together.

Anyway, I’m just mulling in my depressive thoughts right now. Definitely one of my bad habit tendencies that I’m sure won’t be missed haha.

What I do know is this:

1) Things were amazing.

2) Things were also increasingly difficult as I tried to use the relationship to fill my insecurities, but that was something only God could and can do.

3) There was a lot of peace in both of us as we talked over ending it and by the end we were both almost completely positive it was God’s will.

4) If it wasn’t for God asking me to give this up, I would be fighting tooth and nail for it. Which I think is evidence that this really probably is what God wants AND that the Holy Spirit is working in me, helping me to accept God’s will.

5) In the end, this is a mercy on both of us. For what God desires for my life and his life is something even greater than what this relationship was providing.

BUT WHY IS IT SO HARD??? ):

Anyway, things I am really grateful for:

1) That the relationship didn’t end with the typical screaming and berating, but rather with humility and tremendous grace (ESPECIALLY toward me).

2) My family. My amazing mom who is a strong tower for me. My brother who I love so dearly. My dad who allowed me a picture of his love for me that I seriously have pretty much NEVER heard before, which consequently afforded me more healing in my relationship with him. (Praise God!)

3) Deborah Han. I lost my best friend today, but was reminded of what an amaaaaaazing, loving, (gassy), Christ-like woman of God my other best friend is. I still can’t fathom why she would forgive me for all the crap I’ve given her in the past two years. (Again, praise God!)

4) God. And His Word. And the Psalms. Honestly I’ve never liked the Psalms before haha… until today.

This is really long, but I hope that I can use this time and this blog to reflect on all the things God is going to teach me and to help preach the Gospel to myself especially in this situation daily.

I feel like break-ups (there I used it: the b-word!) are usually shushed up, and I would always wonder why people broke up or how they dealt with it and honestly I wish I knew now, but if anyone cares to read, then hopefully my experiences can remind them that there IS a God and that even in the midst of our deepest hurts, He IS real.

He IS real. And His mercies are new every morning.

In peace I will both lie down and sleep,
For You alone, O Lord, make me to dwell in safety.
-Psalm 4:8

Here’s to praying that I can get some sleep!!!

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